Americans love to complain. And doggone it, we’re good at it. That’s why there’s a complaint department in every store and why Rush Limbaugh is filthy rich. His full-time job is to complain about the federal government, feminazis, “sluts” who want free birth control, and stars who kill themselves because “leftists are never happy.” We Americans complain because we have a deep-seated optimism that things will always get better. The rest of the world never complains because they know their lives will never get better. They just pray they don’t get worse.

Of course, paralysis opens up a whole new territory for complaining. “Hey, why me? I’m overweight and yell at small children, but I’m not a bad person!” “My nose itches. Could someone please come here this instance and scratch it, for heaven sakes!” “Hold that elevator door — what are you, blind?”

With chair users, the nondisabled expect you to complain, can see it coming a mile away, and shut their ears off when you start up. “So, the aisle is too narrow for your vehicle, pal, just go around the other way.” The more of a scene you make, the less they respond. If you start knocking over mannequins or block an entryway, they’ll call the cops, who will arrive and say, “You know, Mr. I-Got-My-Rights, we could be out chasing real crooks rather than listening to you bleat about the width of a #%&*# aisle.” Which is why you file a discrimination suit, waste months of your time, and end up with a “case dismissed” when the store owner promises he’ll do better.

There is an art to complaining that gets you what you want — the opportunity to get your beef aired in public and feel you have been heard and respected. Straight out barking in the face of the complainee never works. You have to train for this sort of thing. Here are three time-proven techniques:

1. Don’t yell — cry, or at least act bewildered. Say you can’t get to the bathroom at a crowded restaurant because a table of blowhards is celebrating their fantasy football victory. Yell and they’ll yell back. “Just use the alley! That’s what we do!” But if they see that you really have to go to the extent that your eyes water up, they’ll not only move out of the way, they’ll rip off the bathroom door to save you time. Can’t cry or look forlorn on cue? Take an acting class. Or always carry an onion with you.

2. Get someone else to complain for you. Trust me, this really works. No matter the situation — hailing a New York City cab, cutting in line,  getting closer seats at a One Direction concert — it is always better having an agent/friend negotiating for you than doing it yourself. An airline once left my chair behind on a flight to Nashville. A big, loud friend of mine stepped in and bitched and moaned until they quickly produced a slick new substitute. I could have bitched and moaned and they would have looked at me with sad eyes, then called their supervisor who was out on break. My bud could unleash his torrent of fury because it wasn’t about himself. It made him even madder than it made me. I had already planned to sleep in baggage until my chair flew in.

3. Become a stand-up comedian. What a great job for an inveterate complainer! Two examples come to mind: Larry David (“Curb Your Enthusiasm”) has made a career about complaining about other people’s annoying behavior, from small talk to incorrect tipping. Richard Lewis, Larry David’s sad sack friend, has made a career out of wallowing in self-doubt and despair. When even bad comics get on stage and complain about airline food, the audience eats it up. When they themselves complain about bad airline food, their seatmate says, “Oh, shut up. You’re spoiling the trip for everybody.”

So, please don’t listen to those who tell you to accept your lot, be thankful for what the Almighty has given you, and never grouse about anything. Someone once told me that when I cut my finger or banged my elbow, I should tell the world about it and it would feel better. They were right. Same thing about complaining about your disability discomforts or the rude and insensitive people who constantly irritate you. Don’t yell, but whine with finesse, and never, ever just bite your tongue. Unless, of course, you need something else to complain about.