First Times


Remember the first time you had sex after your disability? We asked for your stories, and you shared with unflinching openness. Here is a mix of tales–passionate, encouraging, disappointing, humorous–from those brave souls who responded.

Stuck on Love
I was on weekend leave from rehab and my doc told me to try having sex with my girlfriend. So we went to bed but things weren’t going the way I wanted. We decided maybe some lube could help me along, so my girlfriend grabbed the tube and squeezed a bunch onto me. Only problem was it wasn’t lube–it was the glue for my condom catheter, which is basically impossible to wash off. The nurses back at rehab had a lot of fun with that one!

–Name withheld

Sharing and Understanding
Sexuality has always been big with me. I modeled and entered every contest from Miss Hawaiian Tropic to a Hot Buns contest. In my mid-20s I was drawn into the “exotic dancing” business. My relationships were built on sexual chemistry. In 1995 I was engaged to a wonderful guy. However, I went to Fort Lauderdale and had a fling. The night of my accident I was dealing with a lot of inner conflict. I drank my blues away into a median that left me a C4 Quad.

I tried to regain my sexuality with my fiance, but he became more and more distant. We watched videos–the famous Sexuality Reborn–and I did a lot of reading. He was not interested. I felt rejection that would affect my self-esteem for years.

Finally my family transferred me to a rehabilitation center. My fiance visited every few months; this would turn into longer and longer intervals. I became bitter and reclusive and felt my life was ruined. I stayed lonely and suicidal. About three weeks into my rehab stay, I spotted a gorgeous paraplegic across the dining hall. I thought, how could I ever have a relationship with another crip? He was so sweet, always complimenting me; I needed this.

Finally a friend of mine sat me down and asked, “Would you like me to help you with ‘certain’ things so you can be prepared for your date?” I was a wheelchair virgin, but my date was 20 years post and had plenty of experience. I was the first crip he was ever attracted to.

Our date started at a local bar, but we stayed over at my friend’s house. My friends helped me dress and transfer into bed. My guy was completely independent. I wore an indwelling catheter at the time and I was sooo self conscious. My guy did not blink an eye–he made it invisible. He touched me and kissed me places I never would have thought of as sensuous. My neck was a giant G-spot and the inside of my arms were another pleasure zone where he used his tongue. Sexy talk also pushed my thermometer up high.

The rejection I had received from my ex-fiance was devastating. However, I was lucky to have the opportunity to share my new self with someone who understood. We are still friends today.

–Candy Mason

Weekend Secret
I didn’t go to college until my mid-20s. In my first week there, an older student with CP started following me around and within a few weeks he asked me to go to bed with him. I was flattered and excited and since I wasn’t young, I decided to go for it. There was fumbling and physical clumsiness, but it was fun. He had experience and was annoyed that I didn’t know my physical self. I had never brought myself to orgasm. It took us a few times to figure out how to do it.

I believed I probably loved him but felt I knew too little of love to really know. Eventually I decided to leave this man. After experiencing freedom and autonomy I didn’t want to limit myself to his narrow viewpoint. He would explain anything that might happen to him in terms of his disability, and he saw the things that happened to him as mostly negative.

Gradually I developed a set of friends, but he was not part of it. He was my dirty little delicious weekend secret. I could not integrate him into my life, so I left him. I’m happy to say that we both turned out all right and I think we both gained from the experience.

–Name withheld

Spontaneity Works
I am a T11 para but was L2 when I first had sex. I’ve only been with one person, even in college, my husband of 10 years. I’m now in my early 30s, but still remember my first time. We didn’t talk about preparing for sex or what happens when a disabled woman has sex. It was totally spontaneous. We had spent the night studying together and it just happened. I worried that I wouldn’t feel anything but he touched me where I had good sensation and the thought just flew out of my head. I had never felt such a rush. Over the years, we’ve had long talks about what makes me feel good, and I’ve learned what makes him feel good, and we’ve had a healthy sex life ever since. Open communication, a sense of humor, and love can take people anywhere they need to go.

–Ann Chipperfield

First Not Best
The first time after my injury that I had sex, or the first time I had a hell of a time having sex? Two totally different experiences, and sadly, years apart.

–Ivyella

Starving Nerve Endings
My first opportunity to explore [as a C5 quad] occurred in the [rehab] hospital. My significant other at the time slept on a cot in my room on weekends. Our hugs and kisses had been pretty tame while I was first recovering, but one night our hunger could not be contained. She stripped and crawled into my narrow bed, and her warm skin on mine was intoxicating.

There were challenges. The narrow bed presented an opportunity to fall out if a major spasm occurred, and we had to stifle our moans and glee. I rediscovered starving nerve endings that night, and renewed my appreciation for intimate touch. The smell, feel and taste of my partner was more arousing than ever, and the exercise frame above my bed provided plenty of grip and stability as we created multiple orgasms. My incomplete injury and the sheer time we’d been apart made prolonged erections a definite gift.

The wonder of the experience was slightly diverted at times, due to the need to reposition me and change condoms (damn incontinence), but it seemed to go on for hours. When I headed for physical therapy the next morning, the entire rehabilitation process seemed to have new meaning.

–M.C.

Bondage?
I was pretty nervous about sex. Here I was, a 47-year-old woman with a quad belly, a superpubic tube sticking out of my belly, and a baclofen pump protruding from my side. And, of course there is always the possibility of a bowel mishap. Well, I’m with the same man four years later and this is the best sexual relationship I’ve ever had. The occasional bowel accident hasn’t posed any major problem. I suspect that my partner enjoys the fact that I can’t get away–it makes it seem like bondage.

–Name withheld

Disparity and Disaster
I was 22 and had just had a shortleg with a reversed foot removed at my hip. The leg was paralyzed from birth. I have always used crutches. The man involved was a paraplegic, also 22, who used full leg braces and crutches. I was much taller, and the height disparity was a problem. It turned out to be a real disaster for both of us. He could just lie there. I was limited in my ability to get myself in position to perform any sex act. After an hour and a half we both gave up. All we accomplished was some necking and petting. The attempt at sex was such a bad experience we have never seen each other again. Having sex with an ablebodied man was easier. I found out that sex after losing a leg is not only possible, but enjoyable.

–Lisa Hannrahan-Ortega

Love, Not Sex
Unfortunately, the first time I had sex after my injury, I was not truly in love with the woman. It was basically a performance to prove that I could still sexually satisfy a woman. The act of sex, I have since found, is not complete without the bonds of love and friendship that take years to establish. I look back on my first experience and see what a purely physical act it was. I did everything and anything I could do to make her climax repeatedly … but it was not because I was expressing my feelings for her. The woman, on the other hand, had much deeper feelings for me, and after I called the relationship off she never spoke to me again. The difference between the first experience and what I have come to know as true intimacy is like night and day.

–DJ

Touching
I am a left leg amputee at the knee and both arms at the elbow. Diabetes was the cause. I wear prosthetics and use an electric wheelchair. I thought that no one would want me. But I was wrong. I found a very loving ablebodied man to share myself with.

I was so frightened the first time. But he only went as far as undressing me and learning how to find me under all the strapping, keeping my prosthetics in place. The next time I let him remove my leg and left arm, keeping one arm on in case I needed to move him or me. I didn’t need to do this because it was so good. I cried because I wanted my hands back so I could touch him like he was touching me. The next time we removed all my prosthetics and he encouraged me to use my mouth to caress and touch him. It was so good. I also used my arm stumps to rub his body. This was the first time I didn’t mind seeing my arms out in the open without sleeves. It took a few tries for me to really open up and enjoy sex. I cried a lot and took it one step at a time and now I look forward to it because it is the one time that I am free of all the straps and heavy prosthetics.

–Jaz Gwen

Zigs and Zags
My fiance was born with cerebral palsy and we have had some comical encounters. Coming from a 20-year marriage that dissolved several years ago, I brought with me all that excess baggage, and [now] I have redefined “good sex” as I knew it, being intimately involved with this wonderful man. Let me say I never aspired to becoming a contortionist. Spastic CP is no picnic. Timing is everything–an unsuspecting swift knee to the female groin hurts just as much as it does for a man! I have honed a wonderful sixth sense these past two years that keeps me on “guard” for a zig when it’s supposed to be a zag. My intimate life with my beloved is just as fulfilling physically and emotionally for me as the one I experienced during my first marriage.

–FireDove

Still Counting
I’m still waiting for my first time! Fifteen years and counting!

–Ed

The Right Chemistry
I’ve been an amputee since age 6. My story is about coming of age–middle age that is–with my lover, a 42-year-old C5 quad. This is the most sensual and arousing relationship of my life. We were at a conference, and I had caught his eye, so he says, from early that morning. And yes, I was flattered by his attentions throughout the day.

Our first kiss was supposed to be a good-night kiss and I never left his room. It was such a turn-on sitting across the room, watching his attendant get him ready for bed. He wanted me to watch so I could see what I would be getting myself into. He had no idea how arousing the sight would be for me. (Or did he?)

I had no preconceived notions about how we would have sex. I just knew that I wanted to be with this man, intimately. I quickly learned that his mouth, verbally and physically, could elicit amazing responses from my body and his, too. I’d never been multiorgasmic before. When the chemistry is right, it’s right.

Besides his superb oral stimulation abilities, we both achieved orgasms by my rubbing my labia over his condom catheter-covered penis. Also, I learned that night how to position him for sleep, arrange the comforter, and how to [drain] the urine bag, etc. It was all a very natural part of our first lovemaking, plus we maintained our privacy by not calling his attendant to the room.

–Name withheld


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