Mike ErvinWe’re passionate about full and equal access to martinis.

Here’s a subject that’s been gnawing on my last nerve for a long time: Straws!

I’ll tell you what I hate with all the fury of Hades. I hate when I buy a bottled beverage and I put a straw in it and the straw is about a half inch too damn short. And so the straw falls down inside the bottle and I have to fish it out with my tongue and I can never get all the drink out of the bottle because the straw can’t touch bottom and blah blah blah.

And so, in order to be prepared for anything, I have to carry around an arsenal of different straws. I’ve got a metric boatload of long, straight, sturdy straws, which would be all I’d ever need in a perfect world where every beverage was served to me in a coffee mug on my kitchen table. But try drinking a martini with one of those straws. It’s too long and heavy and falls right out of the glass. For the successful consumption of a martini, one needs those short, thin bar straws. The same goes for drinking out of a wine glass. But what about drinking champagne out of those stupid flute glasses? For that you’ve got to have an elbow straw that bends. But the elbow straw is bound to be way too short because they don’t make elbow straws long enough to fit comfortably in a flute glass.

See what I mean?

There needs to be a set of federal standards coordinating the design of straws and beverage containers so they fit together. Fortunately, there is hope, thanks to the Americans with Disabilities Act. All I have to do is get the United States Access Board to develop and put forth such standards and I’m all set.

That shouldn’t be hard. The Access Board is an independent federal agency that develops and maintains accessible design criteria for “the built environment, transit vehicles, telecommunications equipment and for electronic and information technology,