Ervin: Famous Cripple Roles


Mike Ervin

There are three guarantees in life: death, taxes and people will always complain about the Oscars.

The main complaint about the Oscars this year was that the recipients were so thoroughly white that you had to wear sunglasses while watching the ceremony or you might go snow blind. It was whiter than an award show for polka music.

Cripples have complained about the Oscars for a long time. If you’re an actor and you want to win an Oscar, just play the lead role in a movie about a cripple. Gimp it up big time and you’re pretty much assured of winning for best actor/actress. It happened again this year. Twice! About the only time in motion picture history when playing a cripple didn’t snag an Oscar was when Woody Harrelson played Larry Flynt. Hmmmm. What was that all about?

So that’s the problem. The problem isn’t that the Oscar people are racist. The problem is that there aren’t enough movies being made about famous cripples who aren’t white. The deep and abiding love and admiration the Oscar people have for the artistic accomplishments of fake cripples doesn’t discriminate. Look at the facts. Jamie Foxx plays Ray Charles and boom — Oscaaaaaaar baaaaby! The same thing happened when Salma Hayek played Frida Kahlo.

So all those who bitch and moan that the Oscars are not diverse enough should stop complaining and do something about it. Just make more movies about famous cripples who aren’t white and the Oscar people won’t be able to resist honoring the authentic portrayals.

Here are some ideas:

Stevie: The life and times of beloved singer Stevie Wonder, who became a musical icon against all odds. Stevie played by Will Smith wearing sunglasses and a wig of braids. How about it?

Jose: The life and times of beloved singer Jose Feliciano, who became a musical icon against all odds. Edward James Olmos? Antonio Banderas?

Teddy: The life and times of beloved singer Teddy Pendergrass, who became paralyzed in a tragic car accident but triumphantly resumed his singing career against all odds. Will Smith in a wheelchair?

Curtis: The life and times of beloved singer Curtis Mayfield, who became paralyzed in a tragic stage lighting mishap but triumphantly resumed his singing career against all odds. Don Cheadle?

Chill: The life and times of beloved actor Darryl “Chill” Mitchell, who became paralyzed in a tragic motorcycle accident but triumphantly resumed his acting career against all odds. Since Chill is still alive, I’m sure the producers will take full advantage of that opportunity and hire him as a technical consultant to advise whatever uncrippled actor is cast to play him on how to authentically portray him. Denzel?

James Earl: James Earl Jones frequently appears on those lists of famous crippled people floating around on the Internet. I guess he used to stutter. So this would be about the life and times of the beloved actor who, against all odds, overcame stuttering to become the voice of Darth Vader and to do a whole bunch of other stuff that people forget about. Will Smith with a computer-enhanced, baritone voice?

Harriet: Harriet Tubman also frequently appears on those lists of famous crippled people. They say she had narcolepsy. So this would be about the life and times of the beloved conductor of the Underground Railroad who somehow managed, against all odds, to stay awake. Whoopi Goldberg?

I think I heard somewhere that Frederick Douglass also was crippled in some way or another. I don’t know for sure if that’s true but who cares? Someone should make the movie anyway, give Frederick Douglass cerebral palsy or something he can overcome against all odds and say it’s “based on a true story.” This is the perfect role for Morgan Freeman.

Of course just because the cripples depicted in these movies aren’t white, that doesn’t automatically mean that the actors who will be cast to play them won’t be white. I’m sure Meryl Streep would jump at the chance to play Stevie Wonder.


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