ErvinI had no idea that Mary Tyler Moore is crippled. But apparently she is. It says so on the Internet, so it must be true.

You can Google up one of those lists of famous people who are or were crippled, and there she is. It says she has diabetes and that counts as crippled, so we’re claiming her as one of our own, whether she likes it or not. And there is also Lucille Ball. According to one of the famous cripple lists, she had rheumatoid arthritis as a young woman and was unable to walk for two years. So we’re claiming her, too, dammit! Sorry, Lucy, but you’ve been outed as a cripple. There’s no going back in the closet. It doesn’t matter if you got better. Being crippled is like being Catholic. Once you’re crippled, you’re always crippled, no matter how much you try to insist that it’s a dark episode from your past. It says so in the Americans with Disabilities Act.

In fact, according to these lists, there have been so many famous crippled humans that it’s impossible to create an inspiring crippled Mount Rushmore honoring the top four crippled role models of all time. There’s no way to narrow it down. So we have no choice but to construct several crippled Mount Rushmores representing the role models of the many many subspecies of cripple