Getting used to being paralyzed takes time. Getting used to the uncomfortable things people say and do when they see you out in your wheelchair isn’t going to happen.

There was a time I didn’t think it could be done, but I forget about my spinal cord injury most days. After years of routine, concern about the continuous presence of my own paralysis became redundant. If nothing’s particularly wrong, I’m too busy doing other things to dwell much on my situation. Strangers of the world, though, do not take it in stride that I can no longer use my arms or legs. In fact, my presence as a wheelchair using woman regularly causes unintentionally cringe-worthy behavior when and where I least expect it. So put yourself in my seat, as an easy-going, optimistic and friendly C-4 quadriplegic going about my day.

Without further ado, I wish people would…please…stop…doing…this!

1. “You don’t look disabled to me!”

While it’s fun to think you are passing as someone who just twisted their ankle at a theme park, when you are a wheelchair user that has been paralyzed from the chest down for the majority of your adult life, it feels like a stretch. When an employee is questioning your legitimacy as a disabled patron who needs access to accessible seating, it’s a problem.

2. “Are you hot or not?”

There is a handsome gentleman sitting nearby as you innocently eat lunch/dinner/etc. Lost in contemplation only moments ago, he is now obviously smiling in your direction. From what you can tell, he is convinced that he can silently communicate that he has been considering if he would sleep with a girl in a wheelchair, and in fact, he thinks he would. Pleased with himself, he will continue to stare. You will still just wish you had ordered fries.

3. “You look so comfortable!”

Wait, what? You’re finally good at brushing off people’s expectations of self-pity, but you just received a compliment about how comfy you look in your chair? Hold up! Neuropathic pain, achy muscles, and spinal cord injury realities aside, you’ve been sitting all day, sometimes up to 15 hours at a time. You assume anyone who has taken a long road trip would hesitate even momentary jealousy, yet this person seems to be eyeing your wheels.

4. “Can I hug you?”

Strangers now b-line across rooms, courtyards and sandy beaches to ask if they can hug you. This is always abrupt and without provocation. You never understand why, and despite the fact that you like hugs, this is never cool. People similarly interrupt your good times to ask if they can pray for you. You point out that you are no more deserving than anyone else nearby, but if they’ll leave, you let them.

5. “You’re too pretty for that chair!”

Well-intentioned or not, this isn’t a real compliment. Being deemed too good looking to be in disabled reminds you that few recognize the beauty in living as you are. It took a bit, but you accept the new aspects of your body and embrace the tools you require to live well. It’s now natural to roll along with an easy smile and your head held high. Hearing this kind of misguided comment highlights your otherness and undermines the feeling of casual acceptance you seek.

Part Two: Buzzkills

6. Anything a drunk person says

At chair height, you hear nothing a standing person says in a loud room clearly. You will nod in agreement to questions you don’t understand. Both sexes will equally misinterpret the need to whisper in your ear as intimacy. Drunk women will feel especially empowered to forgo normal boundaries, tell secrets and make you blush. Occasionally, somebody will cry.

7. Anything a drunk person does

Dance floors are now your kryptonite. Hesitancy to unleash your top-secret dance moves aside, you keep a wide berth and steer clear of all dancing spaces — like moths to a flame, nothing delights a truly intoxicated person more than grinding up on a wheelchair. Your private dancer will not look for, or notice, any protests from you. From their perspective, this is your bliss.

8. Anything a drunk person says or does

As you struggle through crowds towards the exit, drunk guys sitting on barstools will watch and lamely flirt by raising their hands for high-fives as you pass. It won’t cross their minds that you can’t raise your arm to meet theirs and you will have no interest in stopping to explain why. Whether you smile or not, you’re no longer surprised when the rejected party says something dumb like, “What, are you too good for me?” These reactions will only solidify that you are.