Since I’ve been paralyzed for such a long time, I sometimes wonder if I’ve forgotten how to move my legs and maybe that’s what my problem is. This is the kind of crazy stuff that people who are paralyzed for a long time will think about. “Maybe I just need to try a bit harder,” we may say to ourselves, but still nothing happens.

The thing is, I kind of forgot about trying to move my legs. With working, dating and everything else, I moved on. And then lo and behold I start thinking about neurological movement again. I want so badly to heal, to get better, yet I don’t make any progress.

Being that I’m a former dancer who loved kicking her legs, I’ve found that one of the most frustrating parts of attending Project Walk is not being able to move my legs when asked, which is what they start out with for every workout. I try so hard I swear sometimes I get dangerously close to bursting a blood vessel in my brain.

I’ll say things like, “Oh, I used to be so great at kicking,” and feel silly. Maybe I shouldn’t say these kinds of things to therapists since they never know what to say in response.

They’ll put me on the mat, standard fare, and the therapist will ask me to move my leg in various directions as she guides it. Every time I get this request, I can never move whatever they’ve asked me to move, and it’s funny how much it’s now pissing me off. I thought I was over all of this years ago. It’s like newbie feelings washing over me all over again. “Push out with your leg,” he’ll say, and I’ll lie there letting him do all the work feeling measurably guilty.

Despite the frustration of not being able to move my legs when cued, I still plan on going for as long as they’ll have me. And I’m starting to see the true benefit of attending Project Walk — the beauty of simply moving your body, feeling blood flow to every limb, and more.

Even if they’re moving me, it’s incredibly divine and healing. I want more.

Have you ever felt “If only I tried moving harder?”