Emily Rose Yates is an accessibility consultant, journalist and pink hair enthusiast living in Glasgow, Scotland. Yates’ main passions are travel and people. She was the first wheelchair user to cross the Sinai Desert and wrote the Lonely Planet Accessible Rio de Janeiro guide ahead of the 2016 Games. Yates also managed Enhance the U.K.’s Undressing Disability campaign for several years, championing the right for disabled people to have access to sexual expression.
A recent Booking.com scroll for wedding accommodations resulted in a gasp and a giggle: I’d stumbled across the hotel I lost my virginity in.
While my experience in that hotel had been predictably anti-climactic, the process that led to it felt monumental. I’m extremely confident in many ways, but I was terrified of having sex for the first time. Would it hurt? Would certain positions be impossible at worst and an embarrassing game of disabled Twister at best? And how many awkward conversations would I need to have to manage expectations and avoid any post-shag shame?
All this inner chatter led to plenty of self-deprecation but, unsurprisingly, absolutely no sex. It wasn’t until I was about to wave goodbye to my teenage years that I knew it would happen soon with my then-boyfriend.
With not a spot of inclusive sex education to refer back to or any disabled peers to gossip with about their personal escapades, I had to prepare for the inevitable in my own way. So, one Sunday afternoon — instead of our usual nail painting or chick flick — my sister, auntie and I practiced a list of positions in the guest bedroom and rated them on potential pain levels and the amount of flexibility required. We laughed until we cried about how ridiculous we looked, and everything just felt a little less hopeless. After all that effort, naturally, my first time ended up as a quick bit of missionary in a tired, budget hotel. But at least I was prepared!
From that moment on, I made an unspoken promise with myself to prioritize pleasure, whether that be a night of fun with someone else or enjoying a candlelit dinner for one. I’d be lying if I said my own internalized ableism hasn’t got in the way a few too many times, but I’m learning to be patient and trust the process.
Working for the disability awareness charity Enhance the U.K. has had a fundamental role in developing my disability pride and sexual confidence. The charity delivers training courses and undertakes accessibility audits all over the U.K. and further afield. It is also home to the Undressing Disability Campaign that supports disabled people in having safe and fulfilling romantic lives.
Disabled women are three times as likely as their nondisabled peers to be sexually abused, and sex education in schools is far from inclusive, so there’s plenty of action still to be taken. Working with Enhance the U.K. gave me my “people purpose,” but it also made a miraculous adjustment to how I felt about myself. I’m now surrounded by other disabled women. They are strong, brilliant and beautiful, and my teenage self would be so proud that I found them and am no longer lying in bed at night, worrying about how I might navigate sex and relationships as a wheelchair user.
A huge additional perk to working on the Undressing Disability Campaign was being introduced to the weird and undoubtedly wonderful world of sex toys. I’ve had the (literal) pleasure of trying a good number out over the years. Here are some of my adaptive, inclusive favorites, along with a few others I’m looking forward to enjoying once released.
Think Creatively
It’s not just sex toys that can positively aid our sex lives; if you’re a disabled person with a fair bit of mobility equipment at home, there are many ways to use it to your kinky advantage! How about using a bed rail that would usually support a transfer as the perfect attachment point for a pair of handcuffs? Or turning your hoist into a sex swing? Kelly Gordon, creative director at Hot Octopuss, has found that doing so has enabled her to see her mobility aids, and her disability in general, in a less clinical, much more liberating light:
Photo courtesy of sexualitysci.org
“Using a hoist during sex can be so liberating (as long as you ensure you’re safely strapped in and secured first!) I used to see my hoist as something that only amplified my disability, and the thought of using it as anything more than a necessary aid just wasn’t something I was comfortable with (thanks, internalized ableism). It was only when my partner told me how hot I looked using the hoist one day that we decided to go for it. And, since then, we haven’t turned back.
“The best position I find using the hoist as a vulva owner is ‘standing’ sex, where my partner will stand, and I will straddle him using the hoist as extra support. And using it for elevated oral sex takes face-sitting to a whole new level. I’m safer, plus there’s much less pressure on holding my body up and much more headspace to fully enjoy what’s going on.”
Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo Lux
Are you looking for a waterproof “guybrator” toy that can be used and enjoyed with or without an erection and provide hands-free play on your own or as a couple? Look no further than the Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo Lux. No penetration is necessary, and your remote control can be worn on your wrist, like a discreet but very powerful watch. Unlike a stroker, the pulse technology of the Duo Lux means that, once on, the toy does not need to be moved to make you feel amazing. One wrist remote controls the powerful PulsePlate inside the toy, while the other can up the tempo on the vibrations emitted from the toy’s base, meaning that if you’re skin-on-skin with a partner, they can make the most of the sensations, too.
Liberator Wedge and Ramp Combo
Not all great sex aids have to involve penetration, and Liberator proves just that. Luxurious rather than clinical, Liberator has created soft shapes and sex furniture to aid positioning, stamina and comfort in or out of the bedroom And best of all? These things look good in your home, so there’s no need to find sneaky storage space.
I particularly like the Wedge and Ramp Combo, as the two shapes can be positioned together or apart to create differing platforms and relieve pressure on joints and lower back. The Combo is also available in a plus-size format — great if you need a little more room to shimmy into position.
Quest Seeks to Combine Pleasure, Access
Quest is a brand spanking new line of inclusive sex toys and the lovechild of Enhance the U.K. and Rocks Off, the U.K.’s leading sex toy manufacturer and designer. With two new products releasing globally in spring 2022, there’s a lot to look forward to for disabled people wanting to add a little extra to their sex lives. Check enhancetheuk.org for updates and pricing.
Quest Remote Control Bullet Style Vibrator
Bullet-style vibrators, while discreet, aren’t always the easiest toys to hold on to and enjoy to their full potential, especially if you have limited dexterity or are using lube. The Quest bullet vibrator aims to make “getting you there” a little less hassle with a functionally designed silicone finger aid, which attaches to the bullet to provide further stability. Ten powerful vibration and pulsation settings and a remote-control unit with extra-large button sizes promise pleasure at every level, whether you’re home alone or being teased by a partner from a distance. And when you need to recharge, long gone are fiddly charging pins — simply connect the magnetic charging lead with a tap.
Quest Remote Control Flexible Vibrator
At 12 inches (with an additional connecting piece that increases the length by another 4 inches), Quest’s flexible vibrator is extra-long, meaning its placement and setting change is a breeze, even if your reach and dexterity are limited. The vibrator can be inserted or used externally, and it fully articulates, so it can be bent into shapes that suit you and your body. As with the bullet vibrator, there are 10 settings of pleasure to explore and extra-large buttons that are easy to manipulate, whatever position you’re in. Magnetic charging is standard with Quest products, as is the accessible and sustainable packaging of all products.
KEON by Kiiroo
In a long-distance relationship? Or want to make porn feel a bit more real? The KEON is an interactive male masturbator that can connect to adult content, virtual reality programs or a partner’s device, so you feel what you see in real-time. Control the speed and length of each stroke with tactile buttons, and simply hold the curved KEON in place. Lighting informs you about connection modes, speed and battery life, meaning there’s no need to keep adjusting the toy to be in control. The KEON can provide six to 230 strokes a minute at varying lengths, giving plenty of opportunities to explore all options.
Axis Electrastim
Perhaps the wild card of this guide, the Axis Electrastim is an (almost scarily) powerful electro-stimulator that can be used and manipulated with just a flick of the wrist, a wave of the hand, or a voice command. It even responds to music to create unique electro patterns and sensations. While it’s a pricy toy aimed mainly at the bondage market, this “Electro Sex” toy, as they’re sometimes called, can also help those with spinal injuries to stimulate sensations in certain areas and find new and different paths to arousal by focusing on other parts of the body. A variety of attachments are available with the Electrastim, including cock rings and butt plugs.
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